What Speech Smith writes

Right, good evening everyone. For those who don't know me, I'm Tom — Jake's best man, and the person who has been quietly dreading this moment for approximately seven months. I've known Jake since we were both eleven years old and equally terrible at football. In the two decades since, I've watched him grow from a boy who once microwaved a frozen pizza for forty-five minutes into a genuinely remarkable man. Progress. What I can tell you about Jake is this: he is one of the most loyal, generous, and quietly funny people I have ever met.

Good afternoon everyone. I'm Jess, and I have the privilege of being Emma's maid of honour — which means I have been hearing about this day, in some form, for approximately nine years. Emma and I met on the first day of university, in a corridor that smelled of instant noodles and ambition. She was wearing a yellow dress and looking completely unbothered by the chaos around her. I thought she was the most confident person I'd ever seen. It took me about three weeks to work out that she was absolutely terrified too — she was just much better at hiding it than the rest of us.

Good afternoon. I'm Robert — father of the bride, and the man who has been quietly rehearsing this speech in the car for the past three months. Sophie is my eldest daughter. And if I'm honest with you, I've been dreading this speech not because I don't know what to say, but because I know exactly what I want to say and I'm not entirely sure I'll get through it. She was three years old when she told me, with great authority, that she was going to be a veterinarian and also a mermaid, ideally at the same time.

Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Chris — the groom. And I want to start by saying that if today is the best day of my life, it's almost entirely because of the woman I just married, and only slightly because the food here is excellent. I want to say thank you. Properly. Not the box-ticking version — the real version. To Sarah's parents, Robert and Linda: thank you for raising the most patient, infuriating, and wonderful person I have ever met.